Goodbye, holidays, it was nice knowing you for the brief time we had together.
Tomorrow I start back up at school. I’m, as usual, nervous. The social aspect picking up again, my own mental health as I try to balance the social aspects as well as the workload and time management, which I’d like to say I’m good at but the executive functioning of it all.
I’m also helping out on two short films through school. The roles I have are big in the way I’m responsible for a good chunk of telling the story as well as running things. I’m hoping I do a good job, along with my school projects. I don’t want to waste the time and resources!
Aside from the anxiety, I’m also very curious as to what we’re doing this semester. So I’m hoping (love this word today, apparently) my curiosity sustains my brain enough to keep my going the rest of the way until June. Curiosity and stubbornness are usually the reasons I get things done so it can only mean a good thing, right?
I’m currently in air con and can’t deal with the humidity anymore. I found myself in the sun for twenty minutes the other day with no sunscreen, and thankfully didn’t burn (thanks to my dad’s aloe concoction) but have the loveliest itching and hives starting.
I’m also halfway through my studies and have a bit of time before that starts at the end of the month. I also got an email that I will possibly be recording next week for an acting gig and possibly pre-production for two short films. I’m really excited to be on a set no matter the size so I can not only get the experience and feel more comfortable, but so I can also talk about it here with you guys. It’s not really discussed how neurodivergent people navigate through the entertainment industry so I hope it’s something I can start covering very soon.
So glad you’re here and hope we all have a really awesome year!
In a way, I mean this blog, for fear of certain people – especially family – finding my outlet and misconstruing what I say. This post, though, is brought to you by the wonderful world of education.
I know it’s nothing new; we all hold back and try to hold back what we say to some degree or another, but I’ve been finding myself coming home from TAFE, kicking myself for hours over what I said or being too eager to help (that post coming soon). Sometimes I’d be kicking myself so much I’d cry in the shower, wondering how the hell these people would stand me for a second, let alone want to work with me on projects.
The industry I’m studying for makes things so difficult. The entertainment industry is one of networking, of who you know, and being in such a small but incredibly important region compounds my feelings of anxiety. Am I catastrophising? Maybe a little, maybe a lot, but it’s something that’s always on my mind. Something I always have to keep in mind.
After obsessively thinking about it last night, I didn’t go to school today. I’m scared I’ll slip and say something stupid, or say something that I didn’t mean to say in a certain way. I hate how easily I’ve thwarted myself and pulling back, only to do a 180 and just be a weird extrovert I’ve never met before, like a quiet puppy that just starts going absolutely apeshit over something shiny.
I’m sorry this hasn’t been a post of substance that I can use something personal to point to something at large within mental illness or neurodivergency, but I feel like I’ve been getting to a point that I’m just going to verbally shutdown at the worst time and I’ll risk the next – and last – semester and maybe even just quit entirely (I’m usually too stubborn to quit unless I’m physically in pain, so this is somethin’).
I hope to clarify more about this subject in the future, but for now I think I might need to leave this as a super personal post. I actually have my official last day of school tomorrow before holidays, so let’s see if I can get through tomorrow then hopefully do some posts while I’m on holidays!
I don’t think I need to tell any of you that trying to make friends or have friendly relationships as an adult, whether neurodivergent or typical.
As a kid it seemed so much easier. Liked someone’s Ninja Turtles shirt? New friend. Think purple macrame necklaces are cool new weapons to whip each other with? New friend. Hate Justin*? New friend.
Being an adult and making friends is too complicated with complexities that seem to get in the way most of the time. This hasn’t been more apparent to me than being in a learning atmosphere. Even though some people have left, it’s still quite a large class (the largest on campus) with people of different ages and life experiences, most around 19-25 years old. They are really great people – some I’ve grown really fond of and could get along with outside of class (we’ve all tried meeting up but plans keep falling through). Some of them are even autistic!
Yet I envy almost everyone in my class. They are flowing in and through conversations so easily; their knack for continuing a conversation for minutes at a time seems so awe-inspiring to me, especially when it seems to be about nothing but idle chatter or just a restaurant.
Usually I’m pretty good at this. Well, when I say usually, I mean during primary (elementary) and high school. Painfully shy, I still managed to find a nice core group of friends. When I did work it was a miracle I found a great core group, but as I started having a hard time with working and they all eventually left, I found it hard to relate to the others there.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering what they really think about me. Do they actually like me or not? Am I just too loud, too annoying, too awkward, and weird with my attempts at chit-chat too hamfisted?
Hey guys, thank you for being patient with me as I attempt to be a functioning student amidst the outside world! Since I have some spare time, I thought I’d tell you a bit about my study so far, how it’s been trying to talk to a stupidly-big class and trying to make friends (or at least have positive relationships) at school. And yeah, the whole being older than most of the students and the whole anxious autistic thing.
I’m in my third week and everything has really kicked in. As of this week we’re on the road to finalising storyboarding for our silent films and should be filming very soon. Trust me, not fun. Stick figures and shot lists; trying to remember which shot goes where and when it should be done. I want to slam my head violently against a wall!
Yes, contrary to what this site has looked like for the past month, I am very much alive and exhausted, but alive nonetheless!
I’ve started college… well it’s TAFE here in Australia but I’m doing some learning! I’ve started Screen and Media with a focus on Production Management and it’s been A Lot. It’ll have to be something I talk about in more depth as a neurodivergent (non-school leaver) person going off to learn again and try to make friends, or at the very least, people who can stand the person I come off as.
This week is the first real week I have some at-home study to do so I thought this is the perfect time to come in and say hello, hopefully, I can be back sometime next week and tell you a bit more as I think it might be beneficial to anyone going back or into this environment for the first time.
I can’t believe almost a month has already gone by since I last posted! It’s been one of those fast-but-slow-if-I-think-about-it months with a lot of stuff happening.
After my wonderfully unsuccessful “pre-op(eration)” appointment at the hospital, I called my gyno with a new kind of desperation and was lucky enough to have an appointment with her the following week. I told her everything: my disappointment and anxieties over waiting another year, how I was told my nerve issues “could be MS”, something I completely forgot to say in my last post and just a very nonchalant way of a fucking medical professional to say you might have something as series as multiple-bloody-sclerosis. We went over my medications, stagnant weight loss, and the fun symptom changes that included my eyes. While she didn’t agree at all with the casual throwaway line of MS, she did affirm that the pill I was taking could be the cause of my eye pain and sensitivity.
Some of this was written before my appointment (italics) and I decided to leave it as is.
Well, it’s finally happening, today I’m off to my pre-operation appointment – not to get confused with getting the actual surgery, something I’m still waiting for for over a year!
Thinly-veiled passive aggression/sarcasm aside (I’m too tired to tell which one it is), I thought I’d tell you what happens at one of these appointments since I haven’t seen any of these kinds of posts around, since I’m not having surgery the same day.
There are two things I’m well versed in: chronic fatigue and skincare.
I’m not a professional at all, but since working in a department store as your local beauty girl I’ve had an interest in skincare. Even more exciting, I’ve been suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome, AKA myalgic encephalomyelitis (or ME/CFS) since I was 18, something I feel like I’m an actual professional on!
While my chronic fatigue has fluctuated over the years, chronic illness and pain have entered the arena in the past few, complicating my life, so when someone says they suffer from any of these, I understand immediately.
To get to the point, if you have low energy, chronic pain and illness, low spoons, and/or executive dysfunction, I’m hoping to help you now. Some of these tips you might already do or know about, but I hope to bring you a bit more knowledge or give you an extra tip!