Overwhelmed Tsunami: NDIS Edition

Well, what a day!

Today I planned to start the outline for an NDIS plan so I can try getting financial help to go to a physio for my TMJ issues, and before I knew it- maybe after 20 minutes and almost 20 tabs later- I was more confused and overwhelmed by the eligibility and application process. How overwhelmed? The usual; internally monologuing how I wish I was a normal person, how I could understand what this site was trying to relay to me as I silently weep at my desk, going and having a shower only to spend the whole time sobbing in it. Yanno, the ushe.

The hardest part was an infuriatingly fast spiral into the ‘what ifs’ of if I don’t get through, if I’m not “sick enough”, if I can’t get an autism diagnosis if it’s not covered if I’m not “autistic enough”… I think you can see how this goes.

I know why my brain does this, it’s because I’ve been burnt before. Ever since I’ve been trying to get mental or physical help, there have been walls. The worst is not being believed. It started off getting anxiety and depression diagnosis and treatment when I was a teen, then in my 20s it was trying to get the autistic diagnosis, then at 27 it was trying to get to the bottom of physical diagnosis. Every single investigation had hesitation or flat-out refusal to it. I feel traumatised by all of those experiences, to now the thought of reaching out for help once more makes my stomach twist up in seconds. I want to sleep, vomit and cry all at the same time. My jaw and neck hurt (more than usual), my limbs are trembling, even the inside of my ears ache!

Now it’s almost 3:30pm and 20+ opened tabs later and I feel more confused than when I started, unsure if it’s just me that’s confused and overwhelmed by all of this.

Is it bedtime yet?

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