Most of this piece was originally written back in July so there is some time jumping and a lot of disjointed thoughts (not including the usual difficulty of expressing what I’m actually trying to say, but hopefully still easy to read!
Lately I’ve been stuck in something other’s might perceive is boredom. Languishing over the same 4 websites with a list of ‘boredom busters’ sitting next to me, my glazed-over eyes looking over at the 3:07pm glowing in the corner of my screen.
My brain almost had the thought ‘I’m so bored’, and to anyone outside this body, I might look bored (being a Millennial makes me practically ooze it from my pores, according to order generations).
I’m not bored though… I’m tired.
Yeah, I get it, everyone‘s tired, some people have laborious jobs and I’m not one of them; I stay at home almost every day so first impressed don’t exactly scream “exhaustive days”, but it doesn’t take away from my exhaustion.
Today, for example, I woke up from the delivery driver hard knocking at my door. The weather was overcast with a lot of rain – not the best motivator for the day – and I only got to sleep around 1am then woke up again around 4am then 6am. Kids bouncing basketballs and birds cawing outside my window. I’m also a really light, broken sleeper.
I lazily got out of bed after fighting with my body and brain for about 45 minutes, then went to greet my dad and start my day. Not usually how I start my morning ritual, so I’m trying to find a new normal with that too.
I look at stuff for my new cat and did some light photo editing for about an hour (productive!), then travelled to the pet store, figured out what the hell is best for a 12-year-old energetic sook, then to the store a few doors down to find something, then across the highway to get some food for myself, the first meal of the day at midday. I’m doing well.
So after two hours out, come home, put stuff away because I know if I don’t do it now while I have the last dregs of energy it will be an effort to do later and the idea that something isn’t out and properly away will go around and around in my head. While I’ve accomplished what I had to do out in public, I was out in public, so I was the normal amount tired and lack of spoons from that.
Spend a moment back on the computer, check some socials, realise I had only done one thing off my to-do list, so I decide to go fix up my bedroom, and hang photos up. I won’t bore you with how incredibly frustrating that stupid bloody task was and how dumb the frames are and how much I hate the walls in my place…. so I will tell you that after grabbing dad for help, insane laughing on my part, sweat, and over twenty minutes swallowed up, I got that done.
But I also started getting endo cramps and didn’t want to do another thing in that room, so I came tottling back to my computer where I find myself now.
When people say they are bored, I’m astounded but not in the way most people are. The typical person seems to be bored from laziness, just plain-ole not wanting to do anything. I am not that. And I’m certain a lot of you understand where I’m coming from with this; your body is fatigued, your mind is thinking too many things and has burned you out, you’re in a house with others and for one reason or another you can’t concentrate on anything which means you can’t give anything your full attention.
But one can say that was a pretty exertive day, and I would be tempted to hug you and cry on your shoulder because you get it. You get it more than the people who know me, who know I’ve “had issues” for years now.
But what about the fact that I mostly sit at my computer trying to do something, look bored but am tired?
I’ve broken down what my usual cycle is like right now (as of originally writing this in early July it’s still mostly the same in late August):
- Wake up and try not to get distracted out of my Morning Ritual.
- Go to do something
- Get distracted by external sound/ get interrupted
- Unable to focus because of Adult Duties (e.g. cleaning a house, making sure it’s my type of acceptable, aiding my dad)
- Obsessively worry about the lack of time
- Get interrupted a dozen more times
- Realise when I’m back to the [insert place to be productive, usually desk] I start spacing out
- Stress I’m losing to much time
- Repeat steps 3-7
- Attempt/Force Productive Things haphazardly that I’m certain I will either injure myself or not put my full perfection into it
- Ignore the afternoon fatigue
- Bully myself mentally that I haven’t worked out or eaten or really anything
- Realise it’s coming up to my late afternoon routine of video game wind-down of the day where I try to have two hours away from others and myself and responsibilities
- Have to make dinner, my most hated activity in the world and start Night Ritual Wind-down which includes my brain finally waking up and thinking of really good creative ideas or flows to writing.
- It’s suddenly 11pm and I now have to attempt sleep if I don’t want to be woken up by external factors or my own broken sleep.
- Do this all over again tomorrow.
So, yeah, I’m not bored, I’m tired. I’m physically tired from the cramps and the excess weight, but I’m mentally tired so I can’t concentrate or talk effectively. I’m tired from talking to strangers, to talking to my dad; of being overwhelmed about so many things at once and having to adjust to another person living with me with their own needs which include me caring for them. The constant ‘check ins’ at my door that I feel so guilty about hating. My rituals and routines are out the door and how I even have my own space to type out this post to you, I don’t feel completely relaxed to sit and focus on anything because I could be needed at any moment. I’m stuck in between focusing (or hyperfocusing) on something that I will block out everything, including time, or not… doing much. I can’t put “my all” into everything because I feel like if I “go there” my other duties will be piled up and ignored for me to get back to another day.. another exhausting day. So, I go through those same 4 websites again, waiting… waiting… oh god waiting is so exhausting…
Then it hit me like a freight truck as I was browsing Tumblr for something.
I’m executive functioning has been switched off. I’m in the midst of executive dysfunction.
I haven’t been cleaning my teeth in the way I usually do
I can barely remember any new information since I feel bombarded with other things happening all at once or All The Stimuli
Haven’t had the time and energy to even fix up my house, not even my bedroom (I can’t tell you how uncomfortable that makes me)
Bounce from one thing to another without completely anything, including taking my medications on time e.g. after food, leaving things in one spot and walking away
Increased interruptions in conversations
Easily bored and confused x 2
Unable to start or complete tasks (this post almost taking 2 months is a great example!)
Executive dysfunction! The gift that keeps on giving, like herpes or.. more herpes.
I mean the revelation doesn’t help any matters, but at least I figured something and finished this post!