F is for Friend: Hard (Adult) Mode

I don’t think I need to tell any of you that trying to make friends or have friendly relationships as an adult, whether neurodivergent or typical.

As a kid it seemed so much easier. Liked someone’s Ninja Turtles shirt? New friend. Think purple macrame necklaces are cool new weapons to whip each other with? New friend. Hate Justin*? New friend.

Being an adult and making friends is too complicated with complexities that seem to get in the way most of the time. This hasn’t been more apparent to me than being in a learning atmosphere.
Even though some people have left, it’s still quite a large class (the largest on campus) with people of different ages and life experiences, most around 19-25 years old. They are really great people – some I’ve grown really fond of and could get along with outside of class (we’ve all tried meeting up but plans keep falling through). Some of them are even autistic!

Yet I envy almost everyone in my class. They are flowing in and through conversations so easily; their knack for continuing a conversation for minutes at a time seems so awe-inspiring to me, especially when it seems to be about nothing but idle chatter or just a restaurant.

Usually I’m pretty good at this. Well, when I say usually, I mean during primary (elementary) and high school. Painfully shy, I still managed to find a nice core group of friends. When I did work it was a miracle I found a great core group, but as I started having a hard time with working and they all eventually left, I found it hard to relate to the others there.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering what they really think about me. Do they actually like me or not? Am I just too loud, too annoying, too awkward, and weird with my attempts at chit-chat too hamfisted?

I feel like I need to give more context: So usually in these new settings, doesn’t matter if it’s a party or a class, I’m incredibly quiet. That person that sits by themselves and slinks out of the situation the minute I can (also if there’s an animal nearby, I’m stuck to them). I’m sure I don’t need to explain this whole thing to many of you out there, you probably self-identify. No, you can’t let your mum speak for you, you’re an adult now, you have to know how conversations are, you’re “competent”, “high functioning”, you can do it Sometimes, so you can do it All The Times.
This class swells up my life-long love of the cinema. You could say it’s one of my special interests as I’m that girl who knows useless movie trivia or instantly recognises an actor and can tell you what else they’ve been in. So, what do you do when you know some stuff and you can contribute to a conversation that no one else is responding to? Yes, you start blurting out! Constantly!
I’m THAT annoying twat. I NEVER thought I would be that person who never shuts the fuck up, yet here we are. I’ve tried to bite my tongue and it works for maybe an hour or two, but – bless my teachers – after a while, they look over to me for some sort of response or answer and my tongue just gets too big and my mouth twitches and DJKSDLSKJDHSKDLHSLDSDLSDLKSJDLSDKSDJSDK. You know, like an annoying person.
Combine the annoying blabber with the proactive person always trying to help out physically with prepping something for filming, always putting her two cents in (listen, if I’ve done acting and someone else hasn’t, and we’re talking to someone who is nervous to act in front of the camera, I’m gonna try to help!!), I don’t think I’ve been making too many friendships.

I’ve been trying to figure out where all this sudden extroversion has come from. It can’t just be because of what we’re studying, and I think I might have figured it out.

I’m compensating.

See, I’m a fat girl now. I know, ridiculous conclusion but here me out. I’ve been told all my life that the weird, quirkiness that would come out has been buffered because I was “pretty”, at least nice looking. This isn’t a flex, it was always something I balked at, it’s just something that numerous people have pointed out and I started noticing as I gained weight and now at this shitty hole we call insulin resistance. I have noticed a change in how people look, approach and talk to me. It’s not all bad! But it is different. People don’t really approach me unless they want something from me specifically. Before I could literally just be by myself and in some way, rhyme or reason, be brought into bigger groups or approached more often. I don’t just mean in a sexual/romantic way, I mean in a weird ‘pretty people = good people‘ way.
So I think, subconsciously, I compensated, and in a class of peers you might be working with in a future in an industry that – while small where I live – is all networking, I can’t afford to sit back and be the quiet fat girl with high anxiety and no social skills. That I thought I need to put myself out there, show them I am marginally funny, majorly nice… with high anxiety and no social skills.

We resume class again this week after a wee little break and with this slight bit of rest I can only hope I just chill out a bit more and I don’t know, be easier on myself in some ways and try to push myself in others? I really don’t know, I guess we can only see, really.

I finally got into my account! I also got a moment to chat with you before I resume class again, so thank you for coming by!

*No Justins were hated in the making of this post